For #3, I'll be the devil's advocate and say that what they don't know doesn't hurt them. What will it change to their lives if they lead 15 men instead of 40 (or more)? You probably don't want them running off doing TOs anyways. As long as they don't know their income is !@#$ and can maintain at least a few men, it shouldn't bother them.
As for the rest, I think that strife and plotting is actually a turn-off for most newbs. They expect a team game, and then realize that their "team" can't work together and is in a pityful state of disharmony. Their realm therefore "sucks".
Even I, as ambitious as I may be, started out like this. And while I did dream of power, I dreamt of leading a sanctioned colony in the name of my king or liege (for example, by creating a New Vur Hagin colony in Luz de Bia back in the days).
All of this despite how much more they can achieve as part of a smaller group and the potential of involvements these bring. Newbs tend to prefer being a marginal player in a big strong team than a strong player in a medium and mediocre team, apparently.
Which makes me think... Perhaps we should have surveys for the players every now and then? A kind of census, where we ask a ton of questions about everyone's experiences with the game, what they are looking forward to, and what they like the least. A few questions about what keeps people interested and the such. This could help us better target our retention efforts.
Actually, once a new player is with an army, they will notice the discreprancy between their unit and everyone else's. It also means the person who gave them said crap deal is a jerk.
