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BM General Discussion / Re: Discord, the realities of the BM community, inclusion
« on: August 12, 2020, 11:18:29 AM »
A few things to note here:
I absolutely agree that new players should be treasured and inducted into the game with a welcoming touch, rather than punished and excluded. I'm not, however, a new player. To Eponllyn? Alright, I'll give you that.
The reason I fell in love with BM around a decade ago took place on my 2nd BM reincarnation. The then-duke of Phantaria, marshal of the Phantarian Pride, took me under their wing and mentored me. They educated me on in-game mannerisms, politics, social contract, mechanics, country intrigue, and even let me learn how to fight and lead by making me Vice-Marshal of the Phantarian Pride. Their mentorship taught me enough about BM to feel useful - but its their patience and kindness toward a new player that made me want to stay. Their influence led directly to Alura Aurea becoming an active member of the community, and eventually ruler of Terran, upon which I linked up with Rynn JeVondair. JV later took me under their wing, opening my eyes to so many unique aspects of the game I never knew existed. In time, another player would do the same for me - that of Renodin. Miss you, man.
This experience was vastly different to my earlier, original attempt at playing BM in the early/mid 2000's. I don't recall much of my experience back then, so I cannot comment reliably. Suffice to say, I just didn't feel meaningfully engaged, valued, and unique as a character.
Twice over the last decade, following my departure from Terran and BM, JeVondair personally reached out to me via email and convinced me to return to BM full-time and actually stay for a while: including my 3rd account where I played Magnus Aurea who together with JV founded the Greater Xavax Imperium.
Then, as Yxevarii Auru'in in Obia'Syela (BT) via my newest and current account, JV apologized for some of the things that had taken place during our time in Xavax, then proceeded to engage meaningfully with what was entirely designed as a throwaway Hero. Yxevarii was made to fizzle out and die gloriously after what I assumed would be yet another temporary bout of disappointment. This was not the case. OS had, and continues to have, a vibrant community of wonderful players - both RPers and otherwise - who make effort to include one another, or at the very least not actively sabotage the enjoyment of our characters by actually giving a damn about each other as if we were playing among friends. This includes those who they technically have perfectly-valid IC reasons not to welcome into our theocracy. Still, they see one another as players here to have fun as friends playing a fantasy game, and do their damn best to respect everyone no matter their playstyle, activity levels, or class preference. Yxevarii's rivalry with Astros Renodin was conducted in a healthy manner, whereby we behaved as two friends having fun by playing diametrically-opposite characters who constantly try to murder and foil one another's plots at every turn. Renodin was a gentleman, despite being my greatest enemy IC, and regularly made effort to ensure that what we were doing was still fun for both of us. My experience in OS was, and continues to be, vastly more enjoyable than that of Xavax, or even Terran. Though I inevitably quit after playing from 2017 to 2018, leaving Princess Sigrid Gudrun Auru'in of the Xavax Goldwings, and Yxevarii's rulership of OS behind, it was for perfectly healthy reasons this time. I was busy, got burned out, and took a step back to focus on RL.
Before I explain a few more issues I believe to be relevant here, thank you whoever changed the account deletion protocol. Your efforts allowed the Auru'in account to still exist when Renodin convinced me (via discord!) to give BM one more try, a few months ago. It is so disheartening to have remembered BM, hoped to give it another chance, and find out that my past efforts and history was wiped from existence the other times I paused out. I've spoken to other returning veterans who delayed their return by months or even years due to the loss of an old account. This has made a major difference, allowing me to step back into Sigrid, Yxevarii, and Masalu's shoes. I'm profoundly grateful for your consideration of old, paused-out players, who might one day return to the fray.
The second time I quit BM, circa 2012-2013? Was around the time of Aurvandil's multi-account situation. Knowing that some among our adversary skewed the game through unfairly-advantaged tactics made me feel disenfranchised - like players were fighting an uphill battle we could not hope to compete with. The prevailing feeling was that where there's one, there's likely more - and putting in all the effort of creating content was doomed to be steamrolled at the hands of someone who could just make a bunch of fake accounts and tip the scales. All this for the sake of winning a game never meant to be won. (outside of a single, specific island made for precisely that purpose.)
I've always felt that the point of BM is to play together as a community of content creators. That, win or lose, the purpose of it all was to weave a collaborative story of glory and sacrifice; of faith and hopeless. It was at a point in my life where I was heavily into the Dwarf Fortress community, where as we say, "Losing is fun." The unfair, meta-gamed advantages exposed by Aurvandil made it so that losing didn't feel fun anymore, and winning was a forgone dream one couldn't not aspire to without bending the rules... And that isn't what BM was supposed to feel like. Not to me, at least. It has always been about the journey, not the destination, and both felt equally pointless. So, I quit - but a few years later, circa 2015/2016, I came back.
The third time I quit was especially relevant to this thread. I made the mistake of letting scars of Aurvandil cloud my judgement - alongside an even worse problem: as a result of trying to outmatch potential/perceived meta-gaming alongside my own personal baggage, I dumped far too many hours of my life into meticulously hand-crafting a realm, culture, and faith for the sake of "beating adversity to the punch." I should have taken a step back, but instead doubled-down - sacrificing countless sleepless nights to the glow of a computer screen. In fact, I got far too attached to my character, took what I'd created to heart, and felt pressured into behaving a certain way when things didn't go according to plan. That's where I messed up the most - I stopped playing for the journey and made it all about the destination. I am at fault for not moderating the "bleed" - allowing myself to get emotionally affected by things that should have begun and ended IC; alongside my obsession with creating a legacy that would stand the test of time in the face of those who might bear some unfair advantage I might not yet foresee. I tried to be everywhere, do everything, and stretched my self painfully-thin in ways no one can excuse or justify. I did not handle IC attacks as well as I would have liked, but I completely lost my cool in response to ooc attacks against my personal character as a human player. I'm not proud to admit that I eventually resorted to same-similar toxic behavior when I responded via that now-infamous Xavax forum thread - the one that resulted in Kellan Dodger's player being banned, and myself quitting shortly thereafter. I was not in a healthy place in RL and allowed that to bleed into my IC life, which went full-cycle and affected my RL emotional state in one hell of a negative feedback loop. The more I tried to squeeze out the happy juice by playing BM, the worse it got. In a way, it became a sort of addiction: if not a self-fulfilling doom-scroll prophecy I was destined to lose. In the end, I'd completely forgotten that losing was supposed to be part of the fun.
This third time was a prime example of "playing to win". Perhaps not in the classical sense, because I failed to realize how I was pitting my personal feelings against a fantasy world that should have been a source of joy, and not misery. I remember dreading every log-in during the events leading to and from Xavax Civil War. By then, the game had stopped being fun. It had stopped being a game, in fact. The personal attacks had become a source of emotional turmoil - but I refused to do what I perceived as being pressured to give up and step away from everything I had struggled to create. It wasn't merely in-game events that made me feel this way, it was a specific kind of message from a specific character, and later, that specific player's ooc insults - alongside a separate but related situation where I felt like a trusted friend had thrown me to the dogs while asking me to stay quiet about it. While one can justify not wanting to give up in the face of adversity, I should have taken a step back, assessed the situation, and if need be, reported it to the admins for mediation. Instead I took things to heart and made a total ass of myself by failing to control my emotions.
Ironically, considering its a chain of events from a fantasy world, the fallout of the Xavax civil war directly led to me going to therapy and figuring out some of my RL character flaws, anxieties, and stressors. For that, I'm thankful to Dodger, JeVondair, and the Xavax - rivals and friends alike. I was not in a good place mentally due to RL events, and that bled horribly into how I played the game. In many ways, I was living vicariously through my character, and that isnever a healthy behavior.
Since then, I've spoken to and made peace with the players of JeVondair, and especially Kellan Dodger. We've all analyzed, accepted, admitted, and apologized for being emotionally-charged jackoffs taking a game way too seriously because of RL drama clouding our judgment.
Sometimes, due to circumstances IC and-or OOC, we can lose sight of the meaning behind BM. When that happens, we must take a good look at ourselves and think:
What exactly is my goal here? Am I doing this for the right reasons? How would I feel if someone else did this to me? Am I playing for the journey, or have I become obsessed with the destination? Am I playing as a healthy, constructive member of a community of friends?
Most of all, we have to wonder,
Am I still having fun? At what cost to myself and others? What can I do to remedy this situation?
Sometimes, as I had to learn the hard way, the best thing we can do is take a step back and reassess what it is we're really doing here. Sometimes, unfortunately, we're so focused on not giving up our place in the sun, and others have to do it on our behalf. Sometimes it other players. Sometimes its the Titans. Sometimes, its people in RL. Either way, an intervention was usually long-overdue and we just didn't realize it yet.
Whether by an Aurvandil multi-bolting, an Atamaran refugee turned Xerarch's personal feuds blown wildly out of proportion, or just feeling burned out, I've been in your shoes, Bartica/Gold/etc.
Sometimes for the right reasons, but not always. Not usually. Please understand that this was for the good of the community - and for you as a character, player, and human being.
Please, take this time to ask yourself the questions listed above. Let this situation be a driving force for positive change - help give you a healthier perspective on BM; so you can come back a fairer, healthier, and productive member of our community of friends.
Enjoy the journey, and remember: losing can be fun too, my friend.
I absolutely agree that new players should be treasured and inducted into the game with a welcoming touch, rather than punished and excluded. I'm not, however, a new player. To Eponllyn? Alright, I'll give you that.
The reason I fell in love with BM around a decade ago took place on my 2nd BM reincarnation. The then-duke of Phantaria, marshal of the Phantarian Pride, took me under their wing and mentored me. They educated me on in-game mannerisms, politics, social contract, mechanics, country intrigue, and even let me learn how to fight and lead by making me Vice-Marshal of the Phantarian Pride. Their mentorship taught me enough about BM to feel useful - but its their patience and kindness toward a new player that made me want to stay. Their influence led directly to Alura Aurea becoming an active member of the community, and eventually ruler of Terran, upon which I linked up with Rynn JeVondair. JV later took me under their wing, opening my eyes to so many unique aspects of the game I never knew existed. In time, another player would do the same for me - that of Renodin. Miss you, man.
This experience was vastly different to my earlier, original attempt at playing BM in the early/mid 2000's. I don't recall much of my experience back then, so I cannot comment reliably. Suffice to say, I just didn't feel meaningfully engaged, valued, and unique as a character.
Twice over the last decade, following my departure from Terran and BM, JeVondair personally reached out to me via email and convinced me to return to BM full-time and actually stay for a while: including my 3rd account where I played Magnus Aurea who together with JV founded the Greater Xavax Imperium.
Then, as Yxevarii Auru'in in Obia'Syela (BT) via my newest and current account, JV apologized for some of the things that had taken place during our time in Xavax, then proceeded to engage meaningfully with what was entirely designed as a throwaway Hero. Yxevarii was made to fizzle out and die gloriously after what I assumed would be yet another temporary bout of disappointment. This was not the case. OS had, and continues to have, a vibrant community of wonderful players - both RPers and otherwise - who make effort to include one another, or at the very least not actively sabotage the enjoyment of our characters by actually giving a damn about each other as if we were playing among friends. This includes those who they technically have perfectly-valid IC reasons not to welcome into our theocracy. Still, they see one another as players here to have fun as friends playing a fantasy game, and do their damn best to respect everyone no matter their playstyle, activity levels, or class preference. Yxevarii's rivalry with Astros Renodin was conducted in a healthy manner, whereby we behaved as two friends having fun by playing diametrically-opposite characters who constantly try to murder and foil one another's plots at every turn. Renodin was a gentleman, despite being my greatest enemy IC, and regularly made effort to ensure that what we were doing was still fun for both of us. My experience in OS was, and continues to be, vastly more enjoyable than that of Xavax, or even Terran. Though I inevitably quit after playing from 2017 to 2018, leaving Princess Sigrid Gudrun Auru'in of the Xavax Goldwings, and Yxevarii's rulership of OS behind, it was for perfectly healthy reasons this time. I was busy, got burned out, and took a step back to focus on RL.
Before I explain a few more issues I believe to be relevant here, thank you whoever changed the account deletion protocol. Your efforts allowed the Auru'in account to still exist when Renodin convinced me (via discord!) to give BM one more try, a few months ago. It is so disheartening to have remembered BM, hoped to give it another chance, and find out that my past efforts and history was wiped from existence the other times I paused out. I've spoken to other returning veterans who delayed their return by months or even years due to the loss of an old account. This has made a major difference, allowing me to step back into Sigrid, Yxevarii, and Masalu's shoes. I'm profoundly grateful for your consideration of old, paused-out players, who might one day return to the fray.
The second time I quit BM, circa 2012-2013? Was around the time of Aurvandil's multi-account situation. Knowing that some among our adversary skewed the game through unfairly-advantaged tactics made me feel disenfranchised - like players were fighting an uphill battle we could not hope to compete with. The prevailing feeling was that where there's one, there's likely more - and putting in all the effort of creating content was doomed to be steamrolled at the hands of someone who could just make a bunch of fake accounts and tip the scales. All this for the sake of winning a game never meant to be won. (outside of a single, specific island made for precisely that purpose.)
I've always felt that the point of BM is to play together as a community of content creators. That, win or lose, the purpose of it all was to weave a collaborative story of glory and sacrifice; of faith and hopeless. It was at a point in my life where I was heavily into the Dwarf Fortress community, where as we say, "Losing is fun." The unfair, meta-gamed advantages exposed by Aurvandil made it so that losing didn't feel fun anymore, and winning was a forgone dream one couldn't not aspire to without bending the rules... And that isn't what BM was supposed to feel like. Not to me, at least. It has always been about the journey, not the destination, and both felt equally pointless. So, I quit - but a few years later, circa 2015/2016, I came back.
The third time I quit was especially relevant to this thread. I made the mistake of letting scars of Aurvandil cloud my judgement - alongside an even worse problem: as a result of trying to outmatch potential/perceived meta-gaming alongside my own personal baggage, I dumped far too many hours of my life into meticulously hand-crafting a realm, culture, and faith for the sake of "beating adversity to the punch." I should have taken a step back, but instead doubled-down - sacrificing countless sleepless nights to the glow of a computer screen. In fact, I got far too attached to my character, took what I'd created to heart, and felt pressured into behaving a certain way when things didn't go according to plan. That's where I messed up the most - I stopped playing for the journey and made it all about the destination. I am at fault for not moderating the "bleed" - allowing myself to get emotionally affected by things that should have begun and ended IC; alongside my obsession with creating a legacy that would stand the test of time in the face of those who might bear some unfair advantage I might not yet foresee. I tried to be everywhere, do everything, and stretched my self painfully-thin in ways no one can excuse or justify. I did not handle IC attacks as well as I would have liked, but I completely lost my cool in response to ooc attacks against my personal character as a human player. I'm not proud to admit that I eventually resorted to same-similar toxic behavior when I responded via that now-infamous Xavax forum thread - the one that resulted in Kellan Dodger's player being banned, and myself quitting shortly thereafter. I was not in a healthy place in RL and allowed that to bleed into my IC life, which went full-cycle and affected my RL emotional state in one hell of a negative feedback loop. The more I tried to squeeze out the happy juice by playing BM, the worse it got. In a way, it became a sort of addiction: if not a self-fulfilling doom-scroll prophecy I was destined to lose. In the end, I'd completely forgotten that losing was supposed to be part of the fun.
This third time was a prime example of "playing to win". Perhaps not in the classical sense, because I failed to realize how I was pitting my personal feelings against a fantasy world that should have been a source of joy, and not misery. I remember dreading every log-in during the events leading to and from Xavax Civil War. By then, the game had stopped being fun. It had stopped being a game, in fact. The personal attacks had become a source of emotional turmoil - but I refused to do what I perceived as being pressured to give up and step away from everything I had struggled to create. It wasn't merely in-game events that made me feel this way, it was a specific kind of message from a specific character, and later, that specific player's ooc insults - alongside a separate but related situation where I felt like a trusted friend had thrown me to the dogs while asking me to stay quiet about it. While one can justify not wanting to give up in the face of adversity, I should have taken a step back, assessed the situation, and if need be, reported it to the admins for mediation. Instead I took things to heart and made a total ass of myself by failing to control my emotions.
Ironically, considering its a chain of events from a fantasy world, the fallout of the Xavax civil war directly led to me going to therapy and figuring out some of my RL character flaws, anxieties, and stressors. For that, I'm thankful to Dodger, JeVondair, and the Xavax - rivals and friends alike. I was not in a good place mentally due to RL events, and that bled horribly into how I played the game. In many ways, I was living vicariously through my character, and that isnever a healthy behavior.
Since then, I've spoken to and made peace with the players of JeVondair, and especially Kellan Dodger. We've all analyzed, accepted, admitted, and apologized for being emotionally-charged jackoffs taking a game way too seriously because of RL drama clouding our judgment.
Sometimes, due to circumstances IC and-or OOC, we can lose sight of the meaning behind BM. When that happens, we must take a good look at ourselves and think:
What exactly is my goal here? Am I doing this for the right reasons? How would I feel if someone else did this to me? Am I playing for the journey, or have I become obsessed with the destination? Am I playing as a healthy, constructive member of a community of friends?
Most of all, we have to wonder,
Am I still having fun? At what cost to myself and others? What can I do to remedy this situation?
Sometimes, as I had to learn the hard way, the best thing we can do is take a step back and reassess what it is we're really doing here. Sometimes, unfortunately, we're so focused on not giving up our place in the sun, and others have to do it on our behalf. Sometimes it other players. Sometimes its the Titans. Sometimes, its people in RL. Either way, an intervention was usually long-overdue and we just didn't realize it yet.
Whether by an Aurvandil multi-bolting, an Atamaran refugee turned Xerarch's personal feuds blown wildly out of proportion, or just feeling burned out, I've been in your shoes, Bartica/Gold/etc.
Sometimes for the right reasons, but not always. Not usually. Please understand that this was for the good of the community - and for you as a character, player, and human being.
Please, take this time to ask yourself the questions listed above. Let this situation be a driving force for positive change - help give you a healthier perspective on BM; so you can come back a fairer, healthier, and productive member of our community of friends.
Enjoy the journey, and remember: losing can be fun too, my friend.
