Author Topic: The Cult of Spam  (Read 634 times)

Gustav Kuriga

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The Cult of Spam
« Topic Start: September 18, 2011, 07:21:10 PM »
I started this on another site called, and wished to share it with all of you as well. I wrote the first post all in one sitting. Here it is:

In the year M12.009, three brave explorers whose names are forever remembered as metallifan, GundamMerc, and r3n3g8boy stole a spaceship on the planet of Earth. With a supply consisting of large amounts of booze, "legal" marijuana, and food for the inevitable munchies, they set off into the unknown, eventually arriving on the planet of Swine, in the system of Ham. There, after hours of boredom and running out of marijuana, they began to grow crazy from withdrawal systems, and started worshiping a pig that had found their beer stash. After the pig died one day of alcohol poisoning, they buried it and created a golden statue over the grave. Eventually this became known as the greater god SPAM. GundamMerc then had a vision,whether from an actual diety or from dehydration we will never know , in which a lesser god named Pork told him of a place that had plentiful water, if they would turn their backs on the god SPAM. GundamMerc, moved by what he believed to be divine will, tried to convince the others to follow him on his pilgrimage. r3n3g8boy agreed to come along but metallifan refused, seeing it as heresy. After this point, both began their journals, later to be called the Book of SPAM and the Book of Pork. metallifan, after an undetermined amount of time and page 450 of his journal, died of massive withdrawal from both marijuana and booze.

meanwhile, GundamMerc and his companion eventually found said body of water in Chapter 10, page 345. Unfortunately, this body of water turned out to be salt water, and both shortly died from dehydration.

About 2 years passed before another group of settlers came to settle the planet Swine. They first found the Book of SPAM, and worship quickly spread throughout the populace. About 2 weeks later, an exploration party found the Book of Pork clutched in GundamMerc's hands. This quickly gained a following among the heretics of the new religion. These two cults formed two nations, the Republic of SPAM and the Sultanate of Pork. These nations were constantly at war, fighting each other for many thousand's of years.

Then something amazing happened. One of the sacrificial swine being prepared was accidentally cut to shreds when someone forgot to turn off the chainfist used to kill the pig. One of the strips that flew off landed on a pan over a fire that was being used to cook SPAM. This piece grew nice and crispy. When the person cooking the SPAM tried this piece, they cried "How can we fight when something so beautiful exists for us all to share!!" This persons name, incidentally, was Friar Bacon. Thus they called this delicacy bacon. The truce of bacon was signed in M34.039. After this the two nations gradually became one, and focused on exploiting the system of Hflam for their own benefit. Using the power of their flaming pigs to incite fear in their enemies, they gradually expanded to the neighboring systems of Sow and Boar. After contact was made with the Imperium, war ensued, ending in the defeat of Imperial forces via setting fire to their camps with the flaming pigs mentioned before and boarding their vessels and unleashing hundreds or thousands of pigs on ships, causing rampant confusion in which they used their soldiers armed with guns that shot bullets made of pig bone to take over the Imperial vessels. The Imperium has decided that it has bigger worries than a bunch of fanatics that worship the Pantheon of Swine, such as Chaos or Orks, and pulled out of the sector.

Gustav Kuriga

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Re: The Cult of Spam
« Reply #1: September 18, 2011, 07:24:45 PM »