In which GALIARD becomes DUKE OF HAUL in the THE WRONG KINGDOM
"I rather like 'Golden Mountain,' mused Galiard Scarlett as he poured himself a glass of heinously expensive port from Margrave Vellos' store in the mountain citdael of Haul.
"It's not golden," observed Ulwitt Dodd, Galiard's septuagenarian lieutenant and master-at-arms, as he was comparing the size of his triceps to those on a portrait on the wall of some long-forgotten Svunnetlandian prince. "Clearly exaggerated," he pronounced.
In walked Percy, one-time chef, militia organizer, and manservant to the House of Scarlett, lately Chief Bureaucrat of Cathay In Charge of Legal Affairs. "It's official, sire," he exclaimed brightly, handing Galiard a formal-looking scroll.
"Galiard Scarlett," said Galiard Scarlett, "Margrave of Haul, Duke of the Golden Mountain, King of Bathay."
Percy beamed.
"Bathay," repeated Galiard.
"Indeed, sire." Percy nodded enthusiastically.
"What," said Galiard levelly, "is a Bathay?"
Percy laughed. "How should I know?" He shrugged. "You're the King of it. You tell me."
"I," said Galiard, "am, or was, King of Cathay."
"Bother that," Percy guffawed and waved dismissively. "Cathay! What a ridiculous name for a Kingdom! I had all those documents destroyed on the Chancellor's orders."
Dodd arched an eyebrow and reached for his broadsword.
Galiard halted Dodd with a curt gesture. "These documents," he asked mildly, "what was their function?"
"Pfffft," said Percy. "Minutae! Things like, so-and-so is lord of such-and-such, and so-and-so is a knight of the realm."
"And so without these documents..." Galiard began.
"...none of those people will have to worry about belonging to that awful Kingdom any longer!" Percy exclaimed. "May I have a raise?"
Galiard suffered a heart attack in the next moment but regrettably survived. "I ... am paying you?"
"Not nearly enough," complained Percy. "Well, I'm off to do the banner for Bathay. I think the Moose is greatly underrepresented in modern hearldry. I mean, come on. Golden Lion is so cliche! Everyone is always a lion or a tiger or a bear or a dragon. The Mighty Moose of Bathay! The enemy shan't know what to do with it!"
"DODD." Galiard bellowed.
"SIRE." Dodd bellowed back.
"THUMBSCREWS."
Dodd's frown turned upside down and he lunged for Percy.
