You make my life a living hell and insult me IC, and now you insult me OOC. Thanks a lot.
A little hint on my personality type, of which I'm practically a poster-child according to my psychologist, if it helps you understand why I am the way I am, because you quite obviously don't seem to get the bigger picture. I don't fault you for it, I'm a man of countless contradictions that somehow manage to achieve an uneasy state of equilibrium. As much as you doubt me, I doubt myself more.
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html"INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. Most INFJs are protective of their inner selves,
sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand.
INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring.
INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone.
They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ
stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely,
they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families.
They don't believe in compromising their ideals.INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring."
I'm an open book if you ever actually cared to even vaguely ATTEMPT to figure me out, like JeVondair, Orlov, and a few others have.
First of all, I made it VERY clear I am only running so Selenia's name isn't the only one on the ballot. SECOND, before, during, and after the rebellion it was stated that I could re-run for rulership after stepping down. I am in NO way breaking any agreement by doing so. Don't believe me? Go re-read a few messages and choke on your false words.
I don't even enjoy playing in Xavax ever since this little mess began. Its become a massive chore. All my attempts at sparking RP went down the toilet the moment Dodger's group migrated to Xavax and, quite frankly, my entire focus and purpose upon logging in became about breaking Dodger's influence rather than having fun. I had to wrap myself in the most ridiculously convoluted scheme in order to ensure dethroning Dodger didn't end up with me dead and Xavax ruined, BARELY managed to save face with all the Alaran mess going on, and failed miserably to keep up superficial appearances of stability as my play-time dwindled and I bumrushed speed-typing massive posts in reply to everyone and their mother on a dwindling phone charge during back to back work shifts. Sorry, but I really didn't have time to waste arguing with Dodger, but that's the only bloody thing that was going on in Xavax.
Now that the rebellion has been fought, we can all move on.
As for calling me a bull!@#$ter, give us all an example then, oh blessed paragon of virtue. I'll link you to my deviantart, my facebook, my employer's page, hell, you can call my security dispatch and find out what my patrol hours are. I will sort through the text files I have of every message I've ever sent and received since the day I joined Xavax. I'll provide whatever proof you need to refute your ignorant accusations at the drop of a dime. Don't EVER call me a god damn bull!@#$ter. There is NOTHING I hate more in this world than being called a liar! I'd take a bullet to the face and die with a smile knowing I spoke truth before I dishonor myself and my family name by being a deceiver. Even my Riombaran assassin-to-be is brutally honest. I am known for this in both games and in real life. Its who I am. I may omit information, but I will not lie unless it is an extremely severe matter. You want the stark truth? I have extremely bad short term memory and couldn't remember a lie to save my life if I told it, therefore its utterly idiotic to do so. I do, however, have incredible long-term memory recall, especially for traumatic or emotional events. If someone asks me a direct question, I have to answer it honestly. Its the big flaw of my OCD. Just ask my ex-wife, my brother, my mother, my best friends how many times I "shot myself in the foot", metaphorically, by admitting things no sane man would admit, simply because someone asked - sometimes even a complete stranger. I have panic attacks when I deal with lies. Deception causes me great anxiety. I grew up with a schizophrenic sociopathic narcisist mother who lies about everything humanly possible, emotionally manipulates everyone around her for the sake of money, and took a profound distaste for such behavior growing up. I am painfully, horribly sincere - to a fault, because its the one thing that sets me apart from my mother. In real like I am quiet and composed, but as a writer, you will always see MASSIVE text-walls - like this one - because frankly, I''m not even speaking to you anymore. I'm telling a story, and you're simply the audience. If you listen, great. If not, I don't care - because it mattered more to me in writing it than it ever will to you in listening. Its more trouble than its worth, but I'd rather be hated for saying what I believe - right or wrong, whether I'm believed or not - than be loved for a lie. I may be an obsessive-compulsive depressed anxious confusing mess of a person, but I take my words seriously. My word is my bond. That is the one thing my father taught me to respect before he died, and its the one way I can still honor him. When and if I lie, I admit it instantly - I will not suffer panic attacks for the sake of bull!@#$. And yes, that even includes in-game lies. I can't lie as a character without incurring anxiety over it. Its... Well, made my writing experience very interesting, to say the least.
And Dodger, Selenia didn't pull out dishonorably. Selenia followed Magnus' orders and did her job splendidly. Or do you really think everyone buddying up to you actually supported your plot? Even dissident factions have dissidents of their own. Its funny, the more you spoke and believed you were gaining support by incessantly insulting and undermining me with Sayuki Kuriga in tow, the more I received messages in private complaining about it.
It was like a broken friggin' record. I was fine with a little chaos and dissent, hence why I didn't ban you as soon as I knew you weren't being honest with me - instead I ordered people to keep their eyes open but do nothing. Remember, I could've simply ordered the judge to ban you. I could have shut you up after any of your outbursts. I could have chucked Kuriga back over the Alaran border and fed him to the dogs.
But I didn't. I let you have your fun at my initial IC expense, and eventually my OOC expense. You lot called me a tyrant, but til the end I was more forgiving than you ever deserved.
I'd like to dedicate a poem to Kellan / Sayuki as he (in-game, not out of context) reminded me of the emotions I felt when I wrote it. I wrote it back when I was in high school about a former friend who tried to murder me and destroy my life because he was secretly in love with my bipolar Puerto rican ex-girlfriend who made my life living hell, so forgive me if its crude, angry, and of lesser quality. Enjoy.
Title: Wherein Lies The Beast (March 17th, 2010)
Where is he? A shadow, lost;
Not to the dawning insanity,
But to an unforgiving fragment of pride
In his wake,
All bonds of trust were relinquished;
To be abandoned, fed to the dogs
Wings - of blackened angels,
Corrupt was the sanctity of love
Forgotten was all which once mattered to him,
His illusions sustained by wrath
At his heart - lied envy, and greed;
Reflections of failed maturity,
Unleashed by internal strife
Lost it all,
Everything valued, all that once was;
To grasping claws of vanity,
Foreboding his rapid descent
Crawl through the trials of reality,
Seethe at the loss of your world
Look beyond the gaze - of caged humanity,
And shut close every rotting door
See him now,
Cloaked - in sorrow and pain,
Brought by none other than himself
Wallow at,
The sight - of fools' self-pity;
Towards the fleeting,
Dark dreams undoubtedly denied
Dance - through crumbling corridors,
Riddled - with images of death
Look upon the face of long-gone memories,
Their forlorn remnants putrefact
This demon,
Who gazes intently at our hearts;
Descending from darkness apparent,
To feed upon his windblown lies
Lost is she,
The angel he once enslaved;
Forced to do his bidding,
'Til she'd retire - to an early grave
Grip the fleeting hopes,
That echo through your soul
Cradled in absolution,
Compassion - a figment of the past
Embrace - your haven of loathing
Become - the essence of deceit
Dream - of untainted innocence
Grimace at the prospect of demise
Forged from your heart yet so adamant,
Tempered in the flames of your hate;
Imbued with the power of thrice-told lies,
Where sleeps your upheld ego now?
