Author Topic: Draken's Motivation  (Read 2882 times)

Victor C

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Draken's Motivation
« Topic Start: July 15, 2016, 05:07:36 AM »
(I've come under a hard decision for one of my evil characters , so I've decided to plot his origin and ideals to help me decide... and I also I get to practice my writing skills ^^ opinions welcomed

If it's bad, tell me or else I can never get better...)

The wind blew softly as the caravan strolled down the road. The sun was setting and the trees glowed an orange haze. The strong horses waltzed noisily against the stone as their hooves clacked. They carried a wagon, inside  was a young boy by the name of Draken and few others that had a taste for adventure. He stared behind them, watching as the trees passed and the stone turned to dirt. His brown eyes were filled with a bright light, innocent and pure, never faltering or fading. As he stared at the road, noticed the green trees littered the sides of the road and the grass was nearly as high as the boy himself! He was in a whole new world with many places to explore.

Suddenly something caught his eye,  a butterfly flew into the wagon, it was an oddly colored one, but it was surely beautiful. Draken reached out to grab it as it grew near, he reached and reached, yearning to grasp the insect. He followed as it wizzed left and right, he swiped at it, always missing by the tiniest of distances. The butterfly flapped nearer and nearer until it landed on his brown, dirty, untamed hair. Draken looked up to follow the path of the bug, but found himself on his back quickly, landing with a loud thud.

He rubbed his head and watched the butterfly fly away triumphant. Disappointed he hung his head in shame, as he sat there, he realised something had changed. The road had stopped moving and the chatter was gone. He turned around to see that everyone was looking forward, he climbed over the crowd and did the same, wondering what was so interesting that it warranted so much attention. Ahead of the road was a group of men, they smiled as they held their axes and moved closer. Their hide clothes and crooked helmets showed their ill intention. Draken looked into the woods and found that there were even more, slowly encircling the group of travelers , some with shields, others with bows and arrows. They all grinned menacingly as the gap between them and the wagon closed. "Surely the guard will keep us safe!", Proclaimed Draken as his eyes searched for the old man. A few chuckles came from the woods as the words echoed, there in the center of the road, layed the old man with a few arrows sticking out of his chest.

Draken's eyes filled with horror as he witnessed death for the first time. The old man may have been bitter at times, but he was truly kind heated and sweet on the inside. Now, however... he was dead. Suddenly the wagon began to shake violently as the bandits rocked it back and forth, laughing as the people begged for them to stop. Soon the wagon turned on its side and the travelers came spilling out, they yelped as they hit the dirt hard, some rolled, while others simply collided with the ground. Draken was small and light and so, the force of the wagon sent him rolling farther than anyone else. He rolled until he suddenly fell into a ditch covered by tall dead grass. A bandit wandered by in search for him, but easily overlooked the patch of grass that hid the terrified small boy. Draken cried as he realized what would happen, the picture of the old man still stood in his mind... paralyzing him. His breathing slowed as the crunch of the grass grew louder. The man's grunts and breathes broke the air as he grew more and more frustrated in his search for the boy. Draken held his breathe, praying for a divine force to protect him from the fate of the old man! The air stood still and only the sound of nature could be heard. "Aha!", Came a harsh voice! Draken's heart stopped and he sobbed as he could feel the menacing stare. He wanted to run but couldn't find the strength, he wanted to do something but he just couldn't! The footsteps grew louder and faster, Draken's heart began to pound louder and louder. This was the end surely! Suddenly the footsteps stopped just a few feet away.

"I found it!", Came the harsh voice as it jogged back towards the wagon.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2016, 12:46:42 AM by victor c »
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

Victor C

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #1: July 15, 2016, 07:01:12 AM »
The cries of the people echoed for hours as the bandits let it be known how cruel they were. Draken cried as he listened to their screams, they begged for mercy, but it never came.

Hours passed and all Draken could think about was the screaming. The sun had set, he was abandoned, alone in the darkness, a pit of his own suffering. Finally, he found courage to breath again and began to climb out of the grass. As his head began to emerge, his eyes darted around, seeking the terrible smiles of the bandits. He stood there for several minutes, waiting for the bandits to suddenly jump out and take him away, but they never came. As half his body became visible to the world again, he heard a crunch in the distance. He froze, completely petrified. Another hour passed and he slowly began to move again, feeling more confident with the more he emerged.

Finally, Draken had climbed out of he ditch. He brushed the dead grass off his dirty tunic and climbed towards where the wagon once was, he dared not stand, so he crawled on all fours. As he grew nearer, he finally realized that he'd actually rolled pretty far away. How he survived, he did not know.

The silhouette of the abandoned wagon stood in the darkness. The trees broke just enough for the moon to shine down upon it. Dark blotches of liquid surrounded the shadow as it loomed. Draken continued to crawl towards the wagon, holding onto the little hope he had left. He suddenly felt a big bump, he peered down to find the dead body of a man glaring at him with the eyes of death. He gasped and backed away quickly. He crawled quickly in his panic and ran into a body leaning against the tree he'd been hunched near not too long ago, it slumped onto him seemingly trying to drag him into his grave. He jumped up and ran into the middle of the trail, as he turned to look where he was previously, he nearly vomited. He'd been crawling over the bodies of his fellow travelers the entire time.  He turned away to find two bodies leaning against the wagon. It was his mother and father.

Draken dropped to his knees, he couldn't stop looking at their faces... the frozen terror that was drawn upon them!  He shoved his face into his hands and screamed for far longer than he could count. His world was truly over, everything he knew was gone. He crawled over to the corpses of his parents and hugged them gingerly, screaming apologies, begging for another chance. He couldn't accept this, he began to shake them, commanding them to wake up. He didn't know what to do, he was lost and that once awe inspiring world was now his biggest nightmare. He shaked and shaked the bodies, screaming and begging, until he found a hand on his shoulder. He turned slowly, teary eyed, to find a woman standing over him.

"Hello my child", she said in a sweet caring voice. She peered over his shoulder and gave him a warn smile, "Do not cry, for this is the way that things are.", She said as she hugged him. Draken's tears slowly began to fade and his eyes began to grow cold. This was not the way things should be, he thought. "Come with me child, I will take you.", Said the lady as she escorted him down the road.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2016, 02:47:11 AM by victor c »
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

Victor C

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #2: July 15, 2016, 10:35:22 AM »
The lady brought Draken to her village where she lived, she was a local expeditioner and was payed to travel across the land to create maps for the locals. Her name was Eliza and she would care for Draken for the rest of his childhood. Draken grew up mourning his family's death, he'd find many sites like that of his own disaster and would cry every single time. His hatred for people grew as he matured, he never truly moved on. He learned to read and write so that he could recognize the names of the people he wanted to kill. He trained on the many nights of exploration, stalking bandits and learning to avoid even the most alert of individuals. When they spotted him, he ran, testing his ability with every chance he could find. A child's obsession should never be underated, for they will never stop trying to achieve their goal.

As Draken reached the age of 17 a man by the name of Johns came to meet him. Johns was a noble that was seeking talent to train and had heard many tales of Draken. The man talked with such superiority, it made Draken sick. He attempted to kill Johns many times, but he was not like the bandits, he was far more aware and very skilled, he was nobility. Draken desired his power, and so traveled with Johns, leaving Eliza and his past behind.

Johns was no easy mentor, he was a feared man that far more psychotic than anything known to man. He preyed on Draken's fear and used it to torment him until he finally became numb. With his passion suppressed, Draken would surpass the expectations of many.

After a year of training, Johns made Draken his legal son and sent him out to bring fame to his family. John's other sons had not known of Draken, for he was an experiment that would never be allowed. If asked about Draken, they'd never know who you were talking about.

Draken lived a solitary life and allowed his hatred to grow far more than before. The only thing he had was his thoughts and that was the most dangerous of all. There was no guidance for his thoughts, it was a free plane for him to scorch and destroy. His desire to change the way of man has made him see himself as a saint, a man who will help guide the world to a new existence, no matter how many had to suffer to see it be.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2016, 02:45:28 AM by victor c »
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #3: July 15, 2016, 11:16:17 AM »
Nice RP's man! A very occasional spelling error, but nothing serious and it's well written :)
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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #4: July 15, 2016, 06:11:39 PM »
This is just one of many great RPers in Spearhold.

JDodger

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #5: July 15, 2016, 06:19:19 PM »
yea i always enjoy victor's rps.

victor a couple things about your writing i enjoy are your ability to climb inside your char's head and express their feelings, i genuinely get a sense of experiencing the story through your char's eyes and i have seen that  getting even better over time as i read your rps. i like your judicious use of adjectives. you use them just enough to paint your picture in detail but not so much that it overwhelms the narrative.

a couple quick pointers: your paragraphs could be broken up more, and your verb choices are occasionally a bit odd - horses wouldn't clack against cobblestones, their hooves would; the people tumbling out of the wagon would be said to have "spilled" out, not flooded (flooded ironically tends to have a connotation of intention, like "the crowd flooded out into the street")

keep em coming!
Why then Selenia should DEFINITELY come to visit? Richer AND Happier you say? That must be seen to be believed.

Victor C

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #6: July 15, 2016, 09:16:39 PM »
Nice RP's man! A very occasional spelling error, but nothing serious and it's well written :)
Thanks ^^ I try to catch as many errors as I can when I reread it... but I never catch them all  :'(
This is just one of many great RPers in Spearhold.
Yah, I kinda like that about Spearhold, plenty of people willing to RP when they have the time.  ;D
yea i always enjoy victor's rps.

victor a couple things about your writing i enjoy are your ability to climb inside your char's head and express their feelings, i genuinely get a sense of experiencing the story through your char's eyes and i have seen that  getting even better over time as i read your rps. i like your judicious use of adjectives. you use them just enough to paint your picture in detail but not so much that it overwhelms the narrative.

a couple quick pointers: your paragraphs could be broken up more, and your verb choices are occasionally a bit odd - horses wouldn't clack against cobblestones, their hooves would; the people tumbling out of the wagon would be said to have "spilled" out, not flooded (flooded ironically tends to have a connotation of intention, like "the crowd flooded out into the street")

keep em coming!
Thanks, I genuinely don't know if my writing is bad or good and just try to find anyone willing to tell me I need to improve  ;D.
Paragraphs have always been one of my weakest aspects of writing. In essays, I'd always write one giant clump with one indention (it was one very big paragraph). I have not improved since my younger years. ::)
As for the verbs,  sometimes I can't quite catch the odd sounds of the words, I'll reread it several times and overlook it every single time. Rereading my work is very hard because I cannot perceive it like if another person was reading it, for the words are just my thoughts.

Thanks for the feedback  ;D
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

Logar

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #7: July 15, 2016, 10:01:14 PM »
Good stuff there.
I consider English grammer quite forgiving. A written statement can be expressed in many different grammatical ways, yet mean exactly the same thing.

Over time you will develop your own written style, which will be neither wrong or right-- Simply your style.

Edit-- 'neither wrong or right'? Shouldn't that be 'neither wrong nor right'? You never stop learning :)
« Last Edit: July 15, 2016, 10:07:35 PM by Logar »
"...Together We Stand, Divided We Fall!..." -- 'Hey You', Pink Floyd

Victor C

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #8: July 15, 2016, 11:52:13 PM »
Good stuff there.
I consider English grammer quite forgiving. A written statement can be expressed in many different grammatical ways, yet mean exactly the same thing.

Over time you will develop your own written style, which will be neither wrong or right-- Simply your style.

Edit-- 'neither wrong or right'? Shouldn't that be 'neither wrong nor right'? You never stop learning :)

Indeed, that's why I enjoy writing as a hobby. The English language allows so many things to happen in different ways, adding a single word can make a big difference or none at all, it's an experimental process that sometimes ends well and other times bad.

I'm not sure if I have a style, like I said before, these are just raw thoughts that I write as I think... none of it planned or brainstormed, slightly polished by reading it a few times.

I enjoy your roleplays as well, thanks for the compliment ^^
« Last Edit: July 15, 2016, 11:54:15 PM by victor c »
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #9: July 16, 2016, 03:50:46 PM »
Indeed, that's why I enjoy writing as a hobby. The English language allows so many things to happen in different ways, adding a single word can make a big difference or none at all, it's an experimental process that sometimes ends well and other times bad.

I'm not sure if I have a style, like I said before, these are just raw thoughts that I write as I think... none of it planned or brainstormed, slightly polished by reading it a few times.

I enjoy your roleplays as well, thanks for the compliment ^^

100% agree on this. When you have the time it's so nice to just do it. I was actually planning on writing a series of RP's for Garas (one of my chars) as well as he's the char I RP the most with and his background story would be interesting I think.

If you want I'll pop it over to you as well, then you can tell me what you think of mine as well as it'll prob be a bit of a different style :)
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Victor C

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #10: July 16, 2016, 06:10:07 PM »
100% agree on this. When you have the time it's so nice to just do it. I was actually planning on writing a series of RP's for Garas (one of my chars) as well as he's the char I RP the most with and his background story would be interesting I think.

If you want I'll pop it over to you as well, then you can tell me what you think of mine as well as it'll prob be a bit of a different style :)

Sure I'd love to read them. You're probably going to make me have the urge to write more roleplays  ;D
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

Victor C

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #11: July 17, 2016, 03:39:11 AM »
Draken stepped out of the family estate, back into the world he hated. He'd been told to depart at night as to not startle the rest of the family. So he walked out into the moonlight and towards the gates that enclosed his sanctuary. The guards nodded as he passed and closed the entrance to his home as he stepped out.

A carriage awaited him, inside layed the papers he needed to be recognized as a fully fledged nobleman. All he needed to do now was decide where to go.

Draken ordered the driver to move on and so off they went, aimlessly seeking a new home. The familiar surroundings slowly began to fade and the new world began unfold as the sun rose. Peasants worked the fields and the traders strolled along the road. Every once in a while, the people would wave at the passing carriages, while others just stared. It was disgusting.

Draken sat in the carriage for hours as they rode still aimlessly. He'd not heard of any of these places before, but he'd have to start somewhere soon. With a blind eye, Draken asked the driver to go left. As they did, he asked, "Who controls this land?" Shortly after, the driver yelled, "Old Grehk Ma'Lord." The noble sat quietly for a second, considering the name. He'd be called "Draken of Grehk!" It pleased him and so he commanded, "Take me to the nearest lord, for this will be my new home."

With a sudden furry, the carriage sped up, barrelling down the road at top speeds. As they slowed, a mansion began to come into view. The grass was green and the fence was high. The workers tended the garden and swept the steps. The windows shined elegantly, reflecting the sky with pure beauty. This was a worthy estate.

Draken climbed out of his carriage and walked up to the gate. As he stared at the estate, completely awed, he took a moment to practice his oath. "Oh almighty lord, take me under your wing and allow me to serve you and these lands! I will devote my life to your cause!" ,He mimicked silently. With a sigh, he walked up the steps and requested to meet the Count.

He walked through the halls, admiring how shiny everything was. This was pure luxury and was worthy of even a King's visit! Soon, he found himself kneeling. He opened his mouth to speak, but just as the first words were about to emerge, the most vile of sounds suddenly broke the air, "What is this PEASANT doing on my floor?!" Draken stared at the fat man that hovered over him. He'd never heard such terrible words come from such a terrible monster.
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

Logar

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #12: July 17, 2016, 12:13:41 PM »
Of course, just my own opinion... doesn't make it right or wrong. :)

Your last recent RP I found to be more inviting to read. It is more pleasing to the eye and the shorter broken up paragraphs are more attractive to me. I am more likely to give it my time. I sometimes get put off with seeing a looong drawn out paragraph to read through.
If I am writing a fairly long RP, I will always try to break it down into several continuing RP's rather than one huge one. Those players who are scanning through messages when time is precious, will tend to avoid long RP's I think.

Quite well written imo. Keep it up.
"...Together We Stand, Divided We Fall!..." -- 'Hey You', Pink Floyd

Victor C

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #13: July 17, 2016, 12:32:07 PM »
Of course, just my own opinion... doesn't make it right or wrong. :)

Your last recent RP I found to be more inviting to read. It is more pleasing to the eye and the shorter broken up paragraphs are more attractive to me. I am more likely to give it my time. I sometimes get put off with seeing a looong drawn out paragraph to read through.
If I am writing a fairly long RP, I will always try to break it down into several continuing RP's rather than one huge one. Those players who are scanning through messages when time is precious, will tend to avoid long RP's I think.

Quite well written imo. Keep it up.

Thanks for the tips and compliment. I took into account what Jdodger said and tried to separate the paragraphs as well as I could.

Typically when I write to a realm, I keep my roleplays very short, only on the occasion are they ever so big that you couldn't read it in 2 minutes.

I agree that with the passages broken apart, I feel less overwhelmed by the "Wall of words" factor. I wish I did this more, and I sure I can, it's just that I typically forget or neglect to do it.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 12:35:52 PM by victor c »
"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things." - Ronald Reagan

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Re: Draken's Motivation
« Reply #14: July 17, 2016, 03:33:17 PM »
Thanks for the tips and compliment. I took into account what Jdodger said and tried to separate the paragraphs as well as I could.

Typically when I write to a realm, I keep my roleplays very short, only on the occasion are they ever so big that you couldn't read it in 2 minutes.

I agree that with the passages broken apart, I feel less overwhelmed by the "Wall of words" factor. I wish I did this more, and I sure I can, it's just that I typically forget or neglect to do it.

I agree with Logar here on this one as well and don't worry you're not the only one who does it. I typically have the same problem as well. I just came back from the park and was just chillin and writing some of the backstory of Garas, but it's just walls on text (on paper actually, like that more when in the park) so I'll see if I can find some time to type it out for you to judge :)

But this version is indeed more appealing to read, although I much enjoyed the first ones as well.
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